Does Playing ‘Hard to Get’ Work?

Dear Doctor Single,

Does playing 'hard to get' really work? I'm starting to wonder because every time things seem to be going well, the man I'm dating starts to back away. I don't think I'm overly aggressive or scare guys off by demanding a commitment right away, but I must be doing something wrong! (By the way, I've been in very few relationships but have been told I'm very attractive and have dated dozens of men.)

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

Having someone you're starting to feel like you're in a relationship with back away can be confusing and really hurt! Why does this happen? Sometimes it's because of something you've done (perhaps come across desperate or too needy and scaring them away!) or haven't done (been too aloof by holding back your true feelings) or something independent of you stemming from the other person. If a man you've seen a few times is not interested in a relationship with you or anyone else, nothing you say or do will change this! Count yourself lucky if you have the good fortune to discover this early on in the dating process with a guy like this. If it's any consolation, remember that the next person that comes along after you will almost always get rejected just as fast.

In your case, it sounds like this happens fairly regularly and may be the result of either verbal or non-verbal message/s you're sending. Maintain a life of your own, but don't let a potential mate think that you're not interested in him! This is enough to make any good man back away. Playing 'hard to get' often backfires. Most people prefer honesty and avoid game-playing and can put two and two together pretty fast. Forget the books that encourage this! Instead, be as authentic and honest as you can. This is an important step in the dating process. In the long run, you'll be miserable if you aren't!

With that said, here are two common reasons men (and some women) start backing away from a budding relationship.

1) They're not looking for a committed relationship in the first place and liked it better open ended with no strings attached. It's fun while it lasts and the thrill of the chase might have been the only motivator all along.

2) After dating for awhile, they determine that you're just not 'the one'. Some men take the easy way out and just stop calling in this case. Again, count yourself lucky! This guy isn't a good match.

First and foremost, remember that there are plenty of good men out there! The tricky part is to be patient and let things play out naturally while also being clear about what you're looking for in the long run. A specific suggestion is to, after a couple of dates, open the door to communication by laying your cards out in a clear but non-threatening way. Think about saying something like "Im not in any big rush but I'm interested in finding someone compatible and, if it works out, getting into a longterm relationship." Then listen before you say anything else! If he changes the subject right away, don't necessarily write him off or think he's writing you off, but use a little caution. He might just need to process what you've said for awhile and honestly doesn't know yet what he wants. A decent guy will always appreciate your honesty, though, and if he's at all on your wavelength, will definitely call you again!

Also remember that you just don't have the power to turn a commitment-phobe into an endearing mate! Many women are 'fixers' and think they can change these type of men into monogamous loving mates, but the reality is, they can't. Move on! As the saying goes - there's lots of fish in the sea!

Best of luck!

Doctor Single

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